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Don't go overboard with your boat dance proposals

by Lincoln Log Staff

Your dance date, light of your life, fire of your loins. What could be more romantic and dreamy than a ceremonious proposal complete with singing balloons, festoons of plush animal wreaths, bouquets of rare Somalia roses and a fifty-man audience to record everything and put it up on every social networking site faster than you can say, “Will you go to the dance with me?”

    What better way to sweep your desired partner off their feet than bursting out of a giant present like a love-struck jack-in-the-box and then gently embracing them while the hired Glee club serenades your union? Masses of supporters hold out their phones, locked and loaded and ready to record every second of this sweet moment. It’s all so lovely and wonderful. Surely your date will say yes! There’s no other possibility!

    If you believe you are entitled to have your date say yes after a ridiculously extravagant dance proposal, then you are sorely mistaken. Genuine dance proposals are fine and good, but proposals that come across less as a request and more as peer pressure to get the other person to say yes are unfair. With an elaborate setup and a giant audience, the person getting asked feels pressured to say yes, and if they choose no, that choice should be respected.

    The thought of a lover going through so much trouble to put on such an elaborate proposal is enough to sway anyone towards saying, "yes," but rejected dance proposals also comes with social stigma! When Lincoln students say, "I didn't know people said no in public!" then something is wrong.

    We know what you're thinking. "Why not just say 'yes,' and then later explain that you felt pressured, and your real answer is, 'no?'" To answer that question with another question: which is worse, getting rejected up front, or getting accepted, dreaming about the wonderful magical time you will have with your date, prancing through the petunias and skipping past the sunflowers and then having that dream crumble before your eyes as your date reveals that it was all a deception?

    Additionally, it is embarrassing and reputation-harming to explain to your friends that you privately turned down the wooer you promised to dance with. By asking somebody to a dance in a fantastic public ceremony complete with confetti, you could receive a yes and go to the dance with them, or you force them to either reject you on the spot and look cruel in public or reject you later and look treacherous in front of their friends.

    Thanks to all of this drama, the standard procedure is to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend whom you were already planning on going with anyway to dances. This conveniently avoids all the above potential repercussions, but it isn't quite as magical. When the fate of the proposals is predetermined, it feels less like a romantic effort to impress and more like a stunt to get more followers on Vine.

    Think about it. If you pull of an elaborate proposal for a date you were already going with anyway for the Boat Dance, what will you do to 1-up yourself for prom? What will you do for marriage?!

    In the end, super dramatic over the top dance proposals won't end the world (not counting worlds of all those rejected), and they can be pretty cute, but is it worth it? Is getting twenty of your friends in on a proposal and having five of them record it worth it? Can't you just give them chocolate? We'd rather have chocolate. Yum.

Valentine’s Day: What you did wrong.

by Nathan Seidman

valentines comic.jpg

Asking someone out on V-Day is a simple three step process. Step one: cut a hole in the box. Two steps later and you will be making sweet sweet love in front of a roaring fire.

Before we get to the details, a couple of ground rules. Rule one: be attractive. Rule two: don’t be unattractive.

Asking someone to be your valentine can be as simple as saying “Will you be my valentine” like a boring, uncreative, probably going to be rejected, plebian fool.

On the other hand, the majestic, true ballers rent blimps, commission oil paintings, and hew a life-sized statue of their would-be valentine from a single block of marble using nothing but a small chisel and hammer.

If these methods do not work, try sacrificing a goat to Cupid and burning the goat’s body on a pyre of oak. Make sure that the pyre was made by virgins on top of Mt. Everest.

Other methods for getting your crush to be your valentine include capturing Aphrodite and writing your would-be Valentine’s name on her left big toe.

As a last ditch effort, senior Eleanor Amidei suggests that you write “will you be my valentine” on a gum wrapper and give it to your crush.

Some people however, are simply not fated to be together, and no amount of gum wrappers or goats can change that. If you know that the person asking you out is not for you, here are some fun ways to reject their offers.

Unless the person asking you out is a track star, you should run away laughing. This will be a surefire way to crush their dreams of ever being with you.

If this doesn’t work, insist that you want to be “just friends.” For this to take full effect, be sure to flirt with them and continue to lead them on by touching them, giving them kisses on the cheek, and joking about hooking up with them.

If you really, truly, hate the person asking you out, you should have sex with their sibling or best friend. Better yet, all of their friends. This will not only let them know that you don’t want to be with them, but also that they are the least attractive of their group of friends.