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Horoscopes: Friendly Fortunes from the Stars

by Serina Fang


Horoscope Collage.jpg

LO: Lucky object
ULO: Unlucky object

♑ Capricorn (12/21-1/20)
LO: Narwhals
ULO: Juggling batons
This January, befriend a person who hates. Befriend a person whose heart is heavy with 2014 quintillion gallons of angry, and even with each and every molecule of dislike, it still won’t equal the amount of hate they have for the universe this very nanosecond and all the seconds that come after it. Be that person’s buddy.

♒ Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
LO: Obsidian arrowheads
ULO: Soda
Due to Venus being in the fifth house on, you will be blessed with affection from friends, family, and significant others. Like somebody but lack the courage to confess? They will reciprocate your feelings this year! Your parents think you’re worthless? They’ll be changing their minds! Beware of attracting unwanted love though or you might just find yourself hassled by a stalker or ten.

♓ Pisces (2/18-3/20)
LO: Laminators
ULO: Avocados
You will plan many grand goals and stellar schemes, and you will succeed at almost anything you try! So go ahead and shoot for the moon. Take a try at getting into Harvard, becoming a CEO, world domination, whatever. No matter what, you have an unbelievable chance of success.

♈ Aries (3/20-4/19)
LO: Fool’s gold
ULO: Robots
You will develop apathy towards the world, but you mustn’t let these negative feelings overcome you. It may seem that nothing is worth being curious about anymore, but you should not give up on life. Pursue new interests and find a way to revitalize your spirit, or you’ll find yourself in a dire situation.

♉ Taurus (4/19-5/20)
LO: Antique teacups
ULO: Spiders
A change will occur in your status quo, a call to adventure perhaps, and you will depart on a quest. Traveling is your best bet to bring back the luck and happiness you lacked last year. Go and explore places unknown, or return to usual destinations and discover something new.

♊ Gemini (5/20-6/21)
LO: Red string of fate
ULO: Missing socks
You will learn two important lessons this year: how to throw a truly outrageous party for all your friends, and how to dual-wield plastic samurai swords. This is Party Month, and whether it entails throwing seizure-inducing raves or having a simple get-together with books and old movies, you will have fun with your friends this year.

♋ Cancer (6/21-7/22)
LO: Flying carpet
ULO: Homework
Maybe you should’ve stayed in bed, because nothing is happening. Your feeling of detachment from the world is brought on by the alignment of Venus to the star Betelgeuse, but this isn’t a bad thing. You will just have an extremely normal, if a little boring, month.

♌ Leo (7/22-8/22)
LO: Rafflesia flowers
ULO: Pesticide
My, what a wonderful year to perform agriculture! You sure do love yourself some chlorophyll! You’re quite keen on photosynthesis too! No, this isn’t about you turning into a vegetable. This is about you getting a green thumb and producing a veritable smorgasbord of produce.

♍ Virgo (8/22-9/22)
LO: Silk worms
ULO: Polyester
The luckless displacement of Neptune in the eighth house means bad news for you, Virgo. During a blue moon you will be poisoned after ingesting octopi, and you will suffer psychedelic hallucinations everywhere you go. The only way to break the curse is to weave a textile displaying the colors you see, set it ablaze, and send it out to sea.

♎ Libra (9/22-10/23)
LO: Elkhorn corals
ULO: Scented Sharpie pens
The ocean will bring you great fortune this month. If you go on an underwater expedition, you will make a wonderful discovery. Maybe you will find Atlantis. Beware of venturing into deserts this month, for you will get lost in a sandstorm and none shall see you again.

♏ Scorpio (10/23-11/22)
LO: Lapis lazuli
ULO: Rag dolls
Thanks to the agitation of Mars, you will suddenly develop severe koumpounophobia. That’s the fear of buttons. You will be haunted by button-eyed specters when you’re alone in the dark. Ward off these malefactors by hanging a cat calendar on your wall and keeping a stone with a hole in it on your person at all times.

♐ Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
LO: Frying pans
ULO: Milk tea
It’s time to get your munch on! Guy Fieri will drop dead, and you’re taking his place. Unfortunately, you will not be able to drink any tea related products, especially milk tea, or you will contract a rare disease in which flowers grow out of your ears.


Where in Lincoln?

by Charlotte Woo



Are you able to locate this place? Submit your answer for the location of this picture along with your first name, last name, and advisory via email to or turn in a paper to Ms. Falls' box in the main office or room 145. The winner will be randomly selected and will be announced along with the answer in the next issue. The winner will receive $10 in cash!

The last issue's answer was a window outside of the auditorium. Nobody was a bad enough dude to find it.

Joke of the Month

by Hans Oberschelp


What did Ms. Landa say to the solution when she was extracting salt?

"I will heat you!"