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Horoscopes

Horoscopes Temporal Fates from the Esoteric Beyond

by Serina Fang

 


Sagittarius (11/21-12/21)
LO: Holy Grail
ULO: Consumerism
You feel profoundly grateful that the holiday season has finally drawn to a close, because frankly you really could do without the mall Santas and little kids screaming for iPhones. You will make ambitious New Year’s resolutions, but unfortunately you won’t accomplish any of them.


Capricorn (12/22-1/20)
LO: Masamune sword
ULO: Party hats
Look at this mess. Will you just look at the mess that is your excitement for the new year. A certain era in your life is swiftly ending, and you will find yourself at a crossroads whether you like it or not. So while everybody else clears out their Christmas trees, you’ll be in a corner lamenting your fate.


Aquarius (1/21-2/18)
LO: Crystal chalices
ULO: Hot chocolate
Your first achievement of 2014 will be a thousand new followers on your blog from developing countries. Bonus points if your blog is about bands you ironically enjoy. You feel so happy, you might just ironically push somebody off a rooftop.


Pisces (2/19-3/20)
LO: Aurora borealis
ULO: Peanuts Holiday Special
It’s a good thing it’s winter because you will feel the need to go on an Arctic adventure! Grab a friend, preferably a Virgo, and go hunt seals on a glacier! You might get lost looking for the Northern Lights, but in the end, you’ll have fun, and that’s what matters.


Aries (3/21-4/19)
LO: Akashic records
ULO: Blue lipstick
Ancient and mystical forces are compelling you, Aries. They are compelling you to question the reality around you and not be so gullible all the time. Be cautious of Leos, for they are on the lookout for people to fool this month.


Taurus (4/20-5/20)
LO: The Aegis
ULO: Binders
Midwinter will not treat you kindly, Taurus. Thanks to frigid air current blowing down from the Alaska, temperatures will drop like a stone, and you’ll get sick a lot. However, Mercury will cast its healing on you, so you’ll recover quickly from illnesses.


Gemini (5/21-6/21)
LO: Gill Tarot
ULO: Instagram
Fortune favors the bold, and the stars have chosen you to become incredibly lucky this upcoming year. To be precise, you will be lucky in getting a lot of money. You won’t be picking pennies off the street like a chump; you’re finding hundred dollar bills.


Cancer (6/22-7/22)
LO: Excalibur
ULO: Shrubbery
This month you will be hounded by a psychotic nut. To be precise, your tormentor is a Scorpio, but all Scorpio friends are kind of crazy this month, so what else is new? In order to prevent harm from coming your way, make thirty fudgy mug brownies  and burn them in a sacrificial ritual.


Leo (7/23-8/22)
LO: Heart Sutra
ULO: MP3 Players
Don’t stop reading, this really works! Prank five people each week, and you will be kissed by the love of your life by the end of the month! Aries are really gullible this month, so target them. Copy and paste this onto fifty other school newspapers, or else your computer will spontaneously combust.


Virgo (8/23-9/22)
LO: Bear traps
ULO: Puppets
You probably thought you were going to spend the rest of winter swaddled in your Snuggie, watching the Peanuts Holiday Special on rerun, weren’t you? You thought wrong. Thanks to the influence of cold Neptune, a Pisces will suddenly pull you along on an Arctic adventure. Stranded in the bleak frozen hinterland.

    
Libra (9/23-10/23)
LO: Stradivarius violins
ULO: Rabbits
Go outside at midnight and stand on the roof of your house. Watch as the rain turns to snow and suddenly, you will see a movement in the shadows! Is it Gabriel, messenger of God? Nope, it’s an Aquarius sneaking up to push you off the roof and into a snowdrift.  


Scorpio (10/24-11/22)
LO: Spear of Longinus
ULO: Snapchat
Maybe it’s the chaotic energies of Mars affecting you, or maybe you’re finally starting to crack, but this month you will suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to just give up and be free! You will do whatever you want to whoever you want whenever you want. Consequences? What’s that? Cancers especially will have little patience for you, but who cares! You’re going to do your own thing!! Wheee!!!!!