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Horoscopes: The Absolutely Totally True Unabridged Version

Scorpio (10/24-11/21)

LO: Chocolate mousse ULO: Iguanas

Thanks to the impossible forty-five degree angle that Saturn is making to Jupiter, your cooking skills will suddenly improve, and you will realize your talents as a food connoisseur. You will master the making of the best desserts, and you will know where all the best restaurants and cafes are in the city. You should do restaurant reviews and try to convince your friends to dine with you, especially if your friends are Leos. 



LO: Cinnamon sticks ULO: Sweaters

With the crisp autumn air and the chill of winter coming on, everybody will get sick except for you. You are lucky, Sagittarius, because you will be extremely healthy and strong this month. In fact, anybody who interacts with you will be imbued with your health and strength as well. Try hanging out with a Cancer this month, because they’ll really appreciate it.


Capricorn (12/22-1/20)

LO: TV Shows ULO: Pumpkin spice coffee

For some inexplicable reason, you will suddenly succumb to a wave of kleptomania. A craving to steal is a bad craving indeed, so distract yourself by watching TV shows, especially crime and punishment shows or court procedurals like “CSI” or “Judge Judy.” Distance yourself from any Gemini, because you will steal their wallets. 


Aquarius (1/21-2/18)

LO: Clarinets ULO: Pokémon games

Times have been stressful for you lately, and the best way for you to ward off stress is to be as busy as possible. Lose yourself in a big project you enjoy or work towards a grand goal. Don’t be lethargic and waste your time doing slow-paced, relaxing activities all by yourself. 


Pisces (2/19-3/20)

LO: Clam chowder ULO: Chopsticks

This month you will be blessed with a gift for art. Your grade in your current art class will shine as brilliantly as ten stage lights trained on a single actor. Unfortunately, while your art grade will rise, your grade in another subject will fall. But hey, when Life hands you lemons, you set them up in the right light and make a still life painting of them.


Aries (3/21-4/19)

LO: Chopsticks ULO: Clam chowder

In the wake of the harvest moon, you will find yourself the receiver of many gifts. To be specific, you will get a lot of free food from people. This is a month of good eats for you, but be sure not to clog your arteries, as most of the free food is junk food. Unfortunately, this month you will also be the target of many playful pranks from your friends, so be wary of them if you don't like being hit in the face with a cake.


Taurus (4/20-5/20)

LO: Pokémon games ULO: Clarinets

Times have been stressful for you lately and the best way to deal with stress is to do a relaxing activity by yourself. Don't give into your irritation and anger at people and the world in general. Give yourself time to rest and recharge to stave off any negative emotions.


Gemini (5/21-6/21)

LO: Pumpkin spice coffee ULO: TV Shows

The blessing of Venus is upon you this month, Gemini. The next time you visit your favorite coffee shop, the chance the dashing barista will like you and give you a month's worth of free lattes will increase exponentially. However, watching too many stupid TV shows will not only decrease the chance of the aforementioned fortune happening but also will cause your wallet being stolen by a Capricorn.


Cancer (6/22-7/22)

LO: Sweaters ULO: Cinnamon sticks

With the crisp autumn air and the chill of winter coming on, the first person to be sick will be you. Expect a lot of days absent from school due to colds, and though it's annoying, the position of Mercury in the fourth house will prevent medicine from having any effect on you until you're sick for at least a week. You’re also compatible with Sagittarius this month. 


  Leo (7/23-8/22)

LO: Iguanas ULO: Chocolate mousse

Avoid being too indulgent this month, as the movement of Saturn will cause you to have poor self-control this month. Especially avoid eating too many sweets because your chance of getting cavities has risen by 50% and your dentist will be out sick often, probably because they are a Cancer. Beware of Scorpios this month too, as they will tempt you with decadent treats.


Virgo (8/23-9/22)

LO: Portal guns ULO: Coco Chanel perfumes

This month you will be hit with an aptitude for science. Your grade in your current science class will skyrocket to the thermosphere. Unfortunately, while you’ll do well in a science class, your grades in another subject will suddenly plummet. But hey, when Life hands you lemons, you get your engineers to turn those lemons into grenades so you can burn Life’s house down.


Libra (9/23-10/23)

LO: Coco Chanel perfumes ULO: Portal guns

In the wake of the harvest moon, you will find yourself the receiver of many gifts. To be specific, you will get a lot of expensive brand name stuff from people. You will be especially loved this month, Libra, probably because you’ve been such a hard worker and a loyal friend these past few weeks. Nobody will pull any stupid playful pranks on you this month. You’re just too good for these shenanigans.