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Horoscopes

by Serina Fang

Horoscope Collage.jpg

Pisces (2/19-3/20)
LO: Flying fish
ULO: Hairbrushes
Did you know if you feed pigeons this month, you have a high chance of contracting avian flu? Though you may love to befriend fine feathery folks on the street, refrain from feeding them or else you will end up harming them more than benefiting them, and you also risk danger to yourself.

Aries (3/21-4/19)
LO: Literary devices
ULO: Pillows
The morning star Venus shines her blessings upon you this month. The celebrity you are enamored with will miraculously send a sincere love letter to your doorstep. Respond immediately and you will live happily ever after, probably.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)
LO: Botany textbooks
ULO: Posters
The gift of Saturn will be bestowed upon you if you plant a garden of sunflowers this month. Last year bugs devoured your sunflower garden, but pestilence will surely be kept away if you revive your attempt.

Gemini (5/21-6/21)
LO: Alfalfa
ULO: Forks
The luck bestowed to you by Neptune must be used wisely this month. Though you are highly likely to succeed at what you try, you will also be strongly tempted to abuse your good luck to do something silly. Try not to attempt anything disastrous, like building a rabbit hutch in your locker.

Cancer (6/22-7/22)
LO: Brittle stars
ULO: Pencils
You will uncover a wellspring of charisma within you this month. Channel your ability to give stirring speeches and inspire motivation in the masses to join your club or class.  If you attempt to run for a class officer position or something similar, you will surely be elected without fail.

Leo (7/23-8/22)
LO: Mustard greens
ULO: Halogen bulbs
Watching musicals this month will invoke the protection of Jupiter. Bonus points if the musical is silly and/or absurdly surreal. Super-duper bonus points if you watch the musical with a large group of friends or a clowder of cats.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)
LO: Salt flats
ULO: Colored pencils
Due to the lunar eclipse in Bolivia, you will suddenly be instilled with a taste for the supernatural. Go ghost hunting this month by poking through mausoleums or conducting a seance, or try to discover nature spirits in Golden Gate Park.

Libra (9/23-10/23)
LO: Bromothymol blue
ULO: USB drives
You must seek inner peace and tranquility as soon as possible, for stressful times are brewing ahead on the horizon! Go to a peaceful spot and meditate for an hour each day to prevent losing your mind when the storm hits.

Scorpio (10/24-11/22)
LO: Persian rugs
ULO: Plastic
Beware of using non-biodegradable materials this month. You might not notice it right now, but your habit of littering plastic everywhere is slowly incurring the wrath of Gaia. Curb your environmentally unfriendly ways if your don’t want sinkholes in your living room.

Sagittarius (11/21-12/21)
LO: Sunday comics
ULO: Pretzels
The unlucky positioning of Polaris in the fifth house has upped your chance of acquiring food poisoning the next time you eat mall food. Next time you go to the mall, resist the temptation of the food stands, and you will avoid stomach flu.

Capricorn (12/22-1/20)
LO: Helix fossil
ULO: Math jokes
Poetry is your salvation from bad luck this month. Go to a poetry cafe! Try your hand at slam poetry! Compose a thought-provoking haiku! Poems are great, and you will love them.

Aquarius (1/21-2/18)
LO: Optical illusions
ULO: Apple juice
Your weary days of unemployment will be over soon, Aquarius. Your new career will be a most surprising one, a profession completely out of the blue. It will be a job you were unsure you would even like, but you will love it immediately once you get started.

 

Joke of the Month

by Charlotte Woo

 

I need some walnuts! If not, I will tape almonds to the wall and eat them.