Skip to main content

Horoscopes

Meanings in the Sky: Absolutely True, or Your Money Back

by Serina Fang

Aries (3/21-4/19)

LO: knitting needles ULO: clams

    To alleviate your distress, I highly recommend building a time machine and using it to abort everybody you don't like from time. Or you could always let go of old grudges and delete them from memory. Happiness can always be found in forgiving and forgetting.

 

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

LO: herb gardens ULO: kimonos

    It seems as if Lady Luck is favoring you this month. Because Jupiter is in the fifth house, you will chance upon a large sum of money. To be precise, a stranger will drop their wallet on the ground and you'll find it and forget to return. Whatever kind of wealth you will serendipitously encounter, be sure to save and protect it.

 

Gemini (5/21-6/21)

LO: helmets ULO: airplanes

    Thanks to the luckless conjunction of Castor and Pollux to Mercury, you will suddenly be overcome with violent mood swings. However, hope is not lost in the fluctuations of joy and despair, calm and anger, peace and stress. Your truest friends will be there to help you, and the best cure for an unpleasantly moody day is the company of chums…that, or a heavy dose of lithium. 

 

Cancer (6/22-7/22)

LO: crab cakes ULO: Tumblr

    This month is the month to voice your opinions. For too long you have remained silent thanks to other loud voices drowning you out, but the stars have deemed this month as an auspicious time to make yourself heard. You speak the most sense, and the world just needs to acknowledge that. Let everybody hear what you have to say, even when they don't want to.

 

Leo (7/23-8/22)

LO: arsenic ULO: catnip

    Your kind heart, your unwavering devotion to animals and your hyper enthusiasm about how cute and wonderful they are have deemed you worthy of caring for the fifty stray cats that will invade your house by the next gibbous moon. The star of Regulus being occulted by the Moon may signify that this fortune is simply a metaphor for an upcoming incursion that you must willingly receive, but the fates are being conveniently specific and are speaking of cats. Any further interpretations are up in the sky. Beware: trying to surreptitiously get rid of your guests will cause a sinkhole in your house.

 

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

LO: gold silk ULO: white lace

    This is the time to hone your skills of therapy and counseling, as all your friends will be coming to you for help for their misery-addled lives. Be sunny, be patient and, most of all, be willing to actually help instead of running away. Also, caring for a Cancer will result in free crab cakes this month.

 

Libra (8/23-9/22)

LO: red chalk ULO: soda

    Combine your skills of judgment and analysis with your love of justice to help a friend in need this month, Libra. Somebody dear to you will be wronged, and they will come to you for counsel. Be an ace detective, and no matter how successful you are, they will appreciate your effort. Interestingly enough, Mercury's alignment with Venus shows a high chance of your unfortunate friend being a Pisces.

 

Scorpio (10/24-11/21)

LO: pirate hats ULO: rings

    Life seems to race by you recently. You're left in the dust while everyone around you leads exciting, daring lives. But with your ambition and drive, you can triumph over them all. This month is your month in the limelight. Beware of leaving your friends in your wake though, as you will sorely regret it later.

 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

LO: horses ULO: soy milk

    You may not realize it, but people around you are finding your behavior of late to be more than a little strange. This isn't the "lovably eccentric" type of strange either, but rather of the genuinely uncomfortable category. Even worse, the influence of Antares is causing stubbornness in you so that you will refuse to reflect upon yourself. Try to view yourself from somebody else's perspective, and only then can you resist unholy cosmic persuasion.

 

Capricorn (12/22-1/20)

LO: pot pies ULO: fishing boats

    This month heralds a period of loneliness for you, Capricorn. It won't last very long, and people won't actually abandon you, but you will feel as if the ones closest to you are leaving you for a while. They will return, but until then, go romping through your imagination and play with some imaginary friends.

 

Aquarius (1/21-2/18)

LO: water bottles ULO: pumpkins

    It seems as if Neptune is casting a propitious light on you this month. To be precise, you will be imbued with a sudden flare of musical genius. It's time to drop some sick beats and share a tune or two. However, avoid any interaction with a Gemini, as they will ruin your spark of creativity without fail.

 

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

LO: baking powder ULO: cellphones

    You used to be wealthy once upon a time, but due to a missing wallet you will go from riches to rags. Don't go hoping a kind stranger will return it, because it's most likely theft due to the unlucky influence of Jupiter. Your best way of dealing with this situation is to seek the aid of a Libra closest to you.